The Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions
In a nutshell, “Don’t make assumptions,” the third agreement in The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, is all about giving people the benefit of the doubt.
As a coach who helps creative entrepreneurs gain clarity and confidence, The Four Agreements is one of my favorite books of all time. I believe these agreements are essential to living in alignment with your unique purpose.
Read on for a deeper understanding of the third agreement, plus simple ways you can practice it in your life.
What does “Don’t make assumptions” mean?
Our brain is wired to constantly make judgments and conclusions based on “signs” we’re reading around us every day.
It’s an outdated survival instinct from the early days of humans that, well, isn’t as necessary in our everyday life today. Rather than it being about life-or-death matters, as it was for those early humans, our assumptions today tend to create a lot of unnecessary tension, angst, and anxiety in our lives.
Think: When a coworker or client doesn’t laugh at your joke (maybe they’re upset with you?) or a friend responds with an “ok” to your text (is it something you said?).
The truth is, we have no idea why other people respond the way they do because we don’t have immediate insight inside their brain (i.e. we’re not mind-readers!).
Looking to learn more about tapping into your inner guide? I created a free mini-course called Journaling Into Alignment to help you settle your mind & connect with your authentic self.
How assumptions cause many of our struggles
Ruiz says, “The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.”
Think about the times when you thought what someone said or did was because of something you did or said, only to realize it had nothing to do with you. Remember that sense of relief and empathy you felt when you learned they were going through something really tough or maybe they had a headache or were simply having a bad day?
“All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally,” Ruiz explains. “Take a moment to consider the truth of this statement.”
How to assume less & create more feel-good moments
Two things that “not taking things personally” (the second agreement) and this agreement have in common? Both call for a level of awareness, for catching yourself when you’re in a moment of judgment or reaction to something around you.
What makes this agreement so great though is that you can take concrete actions to start making fewer assumptions today.
Here’s how:
Get curious The next time you think you know why someone is acting a certain way, create space to question your assumption. Do you know for sure? What if your assumption isn’t true? Could your assumption actually create a negative experience if you respond to them in a negative way?
Assume positive intent This is one of those mantras that’s worth repeating over and over until it pops into your head on the regular. As we learned with the second agreement, a person’s reactions are a reflection of their internal state, not about you. Reminding yourself that everyone’s doing their best and giving them the benefit of the doubt means the energy you put out is only going to be more positive and encouraging. And what you put out you attract.
Speak your truth Just because we see a situation one way, doesn’t mean that’s obvious to other people. The better you are at communicating your needs and thoughts, the less you’ll be inclined to make assumptions. Take ownership over getting super clear on what you need and want in your life so you’re a pro at communicating it.
Ask for clarity Our culture doesn’t always make it easy to ask questions. Sometimes it feels safer to stay quiet and create our own assumptions. Yet, by simply communicating, gathering more information, and checking if your conclusion is correct, you’re avoiding a world of pain and anguish within your interactions.
Go easy on yourself as you start practicing this agreement. Switching how we perceive and react takes time.
Know that not making assumptions takes courage
“Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as can be,” Ruiz says. “And even then do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation… Find your voice to ask for what you want.”
The more you communicate when you’re not clear, the more flow and openness you’ll feel in the connections you have. You already have all the tools you need inside, it just takes listening and tapping in.
Creating a greater sense of flow and openness with your inner wisdom is totally doable. Learn more about how you can mindfully create the life of your dreams through coaching with a complimentary clarity call.
P.S. For a deeper understanding of the other agreements along with tips on how to practice them, check out these posts on the first, second, & fourth.
I believe the most important relationship to nurture is the one you have with yourself. If you found yourself here, it’s likely you do too.
Aligned + Kind was created as a place to support you in continuously using your powerful intuitive guidance system to create the life you desire. You’ll transition away from the things you think you have to do, to deliberately choosing and creating the things you deeply desire to do, the things that brighten our world. My coaching packages are designed to help you align with your truest desires. If you're interested in learning more, book a call below to learn more about coaching with me.
